If you’re married & you’re on Facebook, you should read this

(Originally posted in 2011)

A claim made in this article doesn’t surprise me a bit:

“A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited as evidence in 66 percent of divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.”

In fact, this may even understate the extent to which Facebook, like other useful and entertaining new-media communication platforms, is contributing to marital infidelity and other marriage problems.

Rather than restate what these articles say about what happens when married men and women develop private (or, worse yet, clandestine) online relationships with members of the opposite sex, I’ll just offer three common-sense suggestions that seem to me to be a set of bare-minimum rules of prudence for those who (like I) use Facebook regularly and who don’t want it to cause problems for their marriage.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that Facebook can be a great thing when used wisely, or a stick of dynamite when used foolishly.

Rule 1:  Your Facebook should be a completely open book for your husband or wife.

You need to “password-protect” your marriage. No joke. This means that your husband or wife should be able to log onto your Facebook account at a moment’s notice, any time of the day or night, especially when you are not there. Aside from, perhaps, planning a surprise party for your husband, if you are keeping anything “secret” from him in terms of your online interactions with other men, you are heading down a slippery slope.

How to avoid it? Simple: He should know your password and, of course, if he has a Facebook account, you should know his.

This rule isn’t intended to foster “snooping” or paranoia, but it will help you ensure transparency and honesty with your husband or wife when it comes to your dealings with others online.

Guys, knowing that your wife can at any time read anything you write on your Facebook page will have a very clarifying effect on what you write. In other words, abiding by this rule will help you avoid situations in which you might be tempted to say something you wouldn’t want your wife to see.

One solution (aside from cancelling your Facebook page altogether) is to simply share one Facebook page between the two of you. Doing this can help fire-proof your marriage against an unscrupulous old flame.

Rule 2: Don’t flirt on Facebook.

Not even a little bit. Not even in jest. What you think of as harmless could actually be a stumbling block of temptation to someone else. We all know what it’s like when something we’ve written in an e-mail, something intended to be completely innocuous and friendly, is misconstrued by the recipient as snarky or mean.

Correcting negative miss-impressions resulting from  misunderstood text can be tricky. Just imagine how much more difficult it can be to fix a problem caused be someone who thinks you’re flirting with her, especially if she is receptive to it and starts reciprocating.

And ladies, my hunch is that this is even more true in reverse. Your intentions may be entirely innocent, but under the right wrong circumstances, a man could easily misconstrue your witty repartée in a way you didn’t intend it. Don’t be brusque, of course, but do be circumspect in what you say.

We all have to remember that Big Things start out small. When it comes to temptations to flirt on Facebook, the safest course by far is simply to refuse to let the small things get started in the first place.

Rule 3: Don’t waste time on Facebook.

This doesn’t mean don’t use Facebook, but definitely don’t waste time on it. And as someone who uses Facebook, I know this is easier said than done. Most of us in the modern digital age know from experience the temptation to fritter away valuable time online.

Facebook can be a huge and even dangerous time-drain. Why dangerous? Because if you aren’t careful, wandering aimlessly from page to page, profile to profile, picture to picture, can quickly lead down the path of undue curiosity that can just as quickly lead to lustful thoughts, which can, if you’re not careful and willing to discipline yourself, lead to worse things.

The old adage is certainly true: “Idleness is the devil’s workshop.” Or, as the famous wit wit Samuel Johnson once wrote: “If you are idle, be not solitary; if you are solitary be not idle.”

To elaborate on this growing problem of Facebook-caused marriage troubles, here’s a sample from the first article. It’s well worth reading, sharing with your spouse, and then implementing rules like the ones above in order to help yourself avoid potentially disastrous problems.

If you’re single, Facebook and other social networking sites can help you meet that special someone. However, for those in even the healthiest of marriages, improper use can quickly devolve into a marital disaster.

A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited in one in five divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported a rising number of people are using social media to engage in extramarital affairs.

“We’re coming across it more and more,” said licensed clinical psychologist Steven Kimmons, Ph.D., of Loyola University Medical Center in Maywood, Ill. “One spouse connects online with someone they knew from high school.

The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook. Within a short amount of time, the sharing of personal stories can lead to a deepened sense of intimacy, which in turn can point the couple in the direction of physical contact.”

Though already-strained marriages are most vulnerable, a couple doesn’t have to be experiencing marital difficulties in order for an online relationship to blossom from mere talk into a full-fledged affair, Kimmons said. In most instances, people enter into online relationships with the most innocent of intentions.

“I don’t think these people typically set out to have affairs,” said Kimmons, whose practice includes couples therapy and marriage counseling. “A lot of it is curiosity. They see an old friend or someone they dated and decide to say ‘hello’ and catch up on where that person is and how they’re doing.”

It all boils down to the amount of contact two people in any type of relationships –including online – have with each other, Kimmons said. The more contact they have, the more likely they are to begin developing feelings for each other.

“If I’m talking to one person five times a week versus another person one time a week, you don’t need a fancy psychological study to conclude that I’m more likely to fall in love with the person I talk to five times a week because I have more contact with that person,” Kimmons said. . . . (continue reading)

208 Comments

  1. Maria

    My husband and me share all the passwords… I think it is the best way to feel nothing is hidden, nothing is wrong…

    1. Jess

      I think it’s true, frankly, I have men try to talk to me online. I used social media for good cause not to flirt or seeking new friends. Often, have new people reaching out and tried to talk to me. When I feel the conversation rather lead me to an uncomfortable situation, I often shot it down quick. Often, many women would try to connect to my spouse, as he often put his photo on his profile etc. He is innocent but I know how it works online. Many of my friends who are no longer with their former partner/spouse/husband or wife, a lot of issues started from talking to someone online and try to make a conversation. It’s up to us to control, cheating is a sin.. and I know we have to be secure of ourselves but sometimes, we never know what the devil have in mind or tried to wrack our marriage. My spouse let me deal with it right away and I have no problem putting them back to their corner politely. I had to deal with one today, she’s not very good lair though but glad that my spouse is on the same page 🙂

  2. Angie

    My husband refuses to share his password to any social media accounts, and also refuses to leave his cell phone out of his sight because he claims he knows I’ll snoop through it. Umm, wouldn’t most wives after him already admitting that I will never have access to his Facebook nor instagram?! He’s never cheated that I’m aware of but that hurts me. He said he would never be willing to shutdown Facebook for the sake of our marriage 😢

  3. Fred

    If I am looking for old girlfriends on FB, and see they have an individual account, even if I know they’re married, my assumption is they are open to contact from old friends, M or F, and YES that includes old flames. I can also infer they would be more likely to be open to a rekindle of romantic escapades, even if it’s of the FWB type, than if they had a joint/married account. Sorry. And if this same person’s FB pictures, etc. don’t refer to any hubby, (it CAN include kids), to me, that’s a further indication they are open to the idea of reconnecting and whatever that may bring. To me, a male, the best way to ward off unwanted old flames knocking on the door, is a joined FB account… Seems old fashioned, but it is what it is.

    1. Keri

      If someone is married. That should be respected. Joined Facebook or single Facebook account. My world was turned upside down because of my own lack of judgment. I am not blaming anyone else for my initial responses. I take the responsibility. But in a way, I wish I’d never responded. My daughter had just moved out to go to school, etc. I was very vulnerable and needed a LIFE fix and when “he” came knocking on my Facebook page he hit me at the right time. I am not sure how old fashioned it is to be open for whatever you are open to if someone is married. You should not go knocking on their door willing offering anything. For me, I was in love with that time in my life. When I was young and selfish… and I slipped right into the slot. It didn’t help that my ex was letting me take the lead and open to anything!!!!

  4. So Tired

    I am going to send this URL to my husband. I am so tired. We have so very little, barely a place to live, but he commands the keyboard all day long, hour after hour, day after day, and will not consistently work to forward his self-employment so we can get some where. He does not pull his weight in our shared business, accept when it comes to brief heavy lifting, that requires so mess time than what I have to give to make this very small go of things, and he does not realize all the very time consuming little things I do all day long give him the opportunity to miss so much work, and be on Facebook, and keep us in poverty. I would call myself an Enabler, but if I do any less, we will be on the streets, again. My husband fools himself thinking he is ‘teaching’ his 4,800 friends, and he is, but I need him to work more and be more consistent at work, or set parameters or set hours for Facebook, not during the work day, and not shove it in my face that he deserves ‘time’ to himself, and I need him to help me out, maybe do the dishes once, or go to the market, or see me, really see me, and understand I need him to pick up for me sometimes, and maybe do a portion of my work, so that I can have time off, or time to pick up where he leaves off from not making money, I don;t mind making the money, but I can not do all the other things, too. He is a good, honorable, moral Catholic man, but this Facebook thing/addiction needs to stop, or I will need to leave. This is NOT a threat, this is not a promise, this is just what needs to be done so I can do something for myself. Blessed Virgin, hear my cry, and have my husband hear me, and hear me in love, and desperation, and not as a shrew, nor in anger, Blessed Virgin, hear my cry for stability, and bless me with the wisdom to know what to do, and what to say. I hurt so bad, and he doesn’t know.

    1. Chrissy

      The manner in which you describe your story tells me that you are not only intelligent but also very hardworking. you are also fully aware that you are enabling him and justify it so. I want you to really think about your justification for a second.
      Is it really worth all the effort to keep afloat for two, if you’re the only one trying?

      With that said…and this is the tough one…move on…in whichever way you can!
      Only YOU know him well enough to know whether sending him this URL is going to hit home. I don’t know you but I do know that if you’re venting here and praying, you already know what you have to do and perhaps looking for confirmation.
      I had to leave an ex who exhibited the same oblivious attitude as your husband’s. I too, gave many chances but in the end you will become financially, emotionally and mentally drained.

      I don’t like to encourage divorce but I also believe that we are destined to live happy, fulfilled and peaceful lives, as individuals first, then only can we be apart of something greater, like marriage.
      All the best to you!

  5. Sandi

    My husband will not let me on his Facebook, computer ect. I’m an open book. I went to an event and posted pictures of him to his Facebook showing what he won and there sitting in his friends are girls that no one else knows. I ask him and he just plays, there not my friend.
    So I say ok let me delete them. He won’t let me, says he’ll do it later. What the heck.
    I don’t know how to let him know that I don’t approve and he needs to show respect to his wife. He gets so defensive, like I’m crazy.
    13yrs of marriage. He was 40 and first marriage.
    I always knew he was set in his ways and immature but come on.

  6. LIsa-Marie Burns

    My husband and I recently celebrated 24 years of marriage – and we have always known each other’s passwords or codes, in fact in many cases they are the same just separate social media accounts. The ‘issue’ I have is that his ex (from 27 years ago – high school) has mysteriously managed to keep her nose in his life from time to time. Before FB, when I was pregnant with our oldest (now 18), she stopped him in traffic and attempted to make a lunch date (knowing we had been married over 5 years then). Five years later she shows up to a fundraising event (I’m hosting) pregnant with a toddler – mind you this was held at a bar! And now with FB…we’ve had our accounts for a while, but have only been ‘active’ for a little over 5 years. Hubby is the most loyal person, always glass half full – and although that makes for a pleasant situation, it leaves room for him to be blindsided. She (the ex) friended him a while back…I noticed a pattern in her communication, what she liked, what she commented on, etc. If he posts something about himself or he an ‘the guys’ (golf, softball, events) She will comment – literally almost immediately. If he posts something about him or the children she will like (again almost immediately). If he posts something that involves me – crickets…For a while now he’s been reassuring me, and I believe him – but he didn’t see the pattern. Then I asked the BIG question – does she private message you? Yes was the answer…again I brought up the pattern and was told I was paranoid. I’m a woman and I know how women operate. So, mid July was our anniversary – he posted some great stuff, memories, etc. (crickets) – a week later we had to make the devastating decision to put down our son’s horse – he posted a RIP – within literally seconds she responded, commented, sympathies, etc. When that happened I went off – I replied to her post that I was on to her – and that sparked another former high school friend to take it upon herself to private message me about my insecurities and how dare I do that – I deleted the message without response because this woman does not know what’s the ex is or isn’t doing. I did however forward it to Hubby and we sat down that night together and he saw the pattern…he admitted she was incredibly prompt to respond. I showed him how she has him as friend, following, see first, and get notifications (who does that?) – I don’t even do that with him…Hubby’s birthday was yesterday. The Ex took it upon herself to private message Happy Birthday BIG GUY! (yep, that’s what she said) at 7:56am – she then posted on his timeline only Happy Birthday. Now his response was thanks to both (no caps, no name, just one word). His response to most of the others was Thank You Name or a comment. Again I trust him – but I know the angle she’s working and she’s been doing it for years. There is a group of high school girls, including her, that are not only FB friends but still live in close proximity, and these girls have always been jealous of our relationship. Hubby and I met after high school, I’m not part of this group, in fact I’m 4 years older. His motto is that he will never unfriend anyone – the glass half full – just won’t do it. He actually doesn’t friend either – he will accept a request if he wants but he has declined some too. The morale of the story – even when you are happy and share everything – this social media mess we’ve created opens the door for uneducated insecure individuals from your past to mess with your life.

    1. ELLA

      This situation is causing you a lot of heartache. Why does your husband refuse to unfriend this person. It shows he puts her first before you. How insensitive of him. What is he getting out of it.
      I think you need to see a counselor about this. It’s very harmful to your relationship. She is intruding in your life and making a miserable situation and she knows it.
      This need to be fixed!
      And since they are friends she can PM him any time. Not right!

  7. amber hall

    People he is not saying read and invade everything they do and when you get married you are as one HELLO

  8. JoyAnn

    My husband just defriended me on Facebook. I feel less important than any of his 40 FB friends from his past, very few friends are in his present. Additionally, he has had to be coaxed to like any of my posts, when all of my posts have involved him and been loving. He frequently reads aloud funny posts to me from one of the mothers of his children. He constantly comments on his daughters’ posts. There has been little encouragement from him to have his family include me in any way as he says it’s totally my responsibility to get them to like and accept me. He defriended me because it got so bad this week I cried about it this morning. He blamed FB aka me,for it and solved the problem by letting it come between us and eliminating me not FB. I’m writing here because he is incapable of listening or unserstanding. I am at my wits end. I bemieve there is litwrally hanxwriting on the wall or post, what have you.

  9. Sal9396

    I am of two minds about this. I don’t think, by default, it is necessary for a husband and wife to have each other’s passwords. There are legitimate reasons for a level of privacy between spouses. However, my wife had an affair, and then, only two months after it was discovered and we were supposedly working on things, she started an online affair with someone overseas. Even after multiple confrontations about it, she continues to communicate with him and visits his Facebook page sometimes 15 or 20 times a day! She hides it from me as much as she can, but I am savvy enough to find out at least basics. So, in a situation such as I am in, I think that there would be some logic to both people having each other’s passwords. It would help the cheater control his/her behavior and help restore trust.

  10. Jess

    I think this is a very useful article, frankly, I have men try to talk to me online. I used social media for good cause not to flirt or seeking new friends. Often, have new people reaching out and tried to talk to me. When I feel the conversation rather lead me to an uncomfortable situation, I often shot it down quick. Often, many women would try to connect to my spouse, as he often put his photo on his profile etc. He is innocent but I know how it works online. Many of my friends who are no longer with their former partner/spouse/husband or wife, a lot of issues started from talking to someone online and try to make a conversation. It’s up to us to control, cheating is a sin.. and I know we have to be secure of ourselves but sometimes, we never know what the devil have in mind or tried to wrack our marriage. My spouse let me deal with it right away and I have no problem putting them back to their corner politely. I had to deal with one today, she’s not very good lair though but glad that my spouse is on the same page 🙂 I just tired of having to deal with it too often, my husband is a good man, some people think its the matter of insecurity or what so ever but frankly, glass always greener on another side (until they get there!) Another person tried to msg my husband earlier today and tried to use her personal problem to connect with him and hopefully will lead into another, we don’t have anything to hide at our end, we talk about things, as we know how important it is to stay loyal to one another. I just got tired of seeing how much these women try so hard to approached a man and using mind games. SO anyway, I politely message the person who sent the message to my husband but she then went onto so offensive mode and started to name calling me.. on top of that she also using god names in appropriate way (before she started to name calling me and insulting me with her Facebook messages!) — I am sorry I am not trying to bored anyone with my story, I can related to this article so much 🙂

  11. Elle

    Mostly women disagree because women are constantly being pursued by guys on social media. And it feeds their incessant need to be told how pretty they are. If at all possible, try to avoid women who are into social media. Plus, it adds no value to the world.

    1. Rosa

      Wrong. Chances are most of the women being “pursued by guys on social media” laugh to themselves about it or ignore the men pursuing them. You don’t know why or the hows involved unless you are some kind of wizard. If a married man or woman entertains way too much conversation and attention from someone other than their spouse, the married person is the one with the serious emotional imbalance, and possibly with the serious legal problems. Whether it is on FB, at Happy Hour, on the train, the public library or even church. Some married people with good looks and a charming manner, and plain regular people like myself with a nice smile and disposition know how to keep inappropriate attention of the opposite sex away. And some for whatever reason, encourage it.

  12. Elaine Rosscup

    I’ve been put hell and as far as these fools saying that it’s private no such thing in a marriage! !!!

    1. Kat Kellogg

      I totally agree. In a marriage, there’s no such thing as privacy. Each spouse should have each other passwords. This allows openness, transparency, and keeps trust intact.

  13. James

    I allow complete access to my online activities. My wife however does not. She guards her phone like fort knox. She has had two extramarital sexual affairs using social media as a means of communication. Both with people she didn’t really know and without protection.

  14. Jackie

    My husband and I have each other’s passwords to all our online accounts. We’ve never had an issues and we’ve been together for 11 year’s and married for 10 I guess it all depends on the relationship between the couple in this case.

    1. Bridget Solorzano

      My husband is always on facebook . And when i got to check is phone he goes to lock it so i cant aee what hes doing . He has a password for messaging his photos literally everything on his phone. Please help me what should i do ????

  15. Melissa

    My husband is a wonderful man, but he definitely has some insecurities. I have always been friends with other guys, but whenever I got with my husband I tried to respect his insecurities and I only was around men that I had to be around I. E. No interest in. We both agreed whenever we were first married that facebook was nothing but problems and we would NEVER be a part of it. Well cut to a couple of years later and I had found a game that I really liked playing but everytime I tried to do anything in the game it wouldn’t let me saying that I needed to be on facebook to continue. I asked my husband if I could make a facebook page and use a fake name, he reluctantly agreed and I sent some friend requests to people I worked with and family members. A few years later my husband made an account and that’s when crap hit the ceiling. I still really tried to only “like” things that I knew wouldn’t seem suspicious but even with family pictures of people, like when a friend’s husband and kids were in the picture, he would think that I was liking the picture because I liked the guy that was in it. Not true at all, I just liked the picture because I wanted to show my friend that I was interested in her life. We had a couple of arguments but we always worked through it. Then I friended an old friend from high school that was also my husband’s friend on facebook but I didn’t tell my husband that I had. I really don’t know why I friended him, I have no interest in him in anyway, but I did it knowing that my husband would not like it. My husband was going through his facebook and saw where I liked a picture of this mutual friends and when he questioned me over it, I lied to him. Extremely unsure of why I did that other than I really didn’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings and I didn’t want to deal with the anger that I knew he would have. Of course whenever you lie to someone, they then don’t believe a word that you tell them and he started disbelieving me about everything. I love my husband with all my heart and I have messed up extremely badly, I never should have gotten facebook, I don’t even play that game anymore!, and now we are getting a divorce because of my stupidity. I’m completely heartbroken and nothing can fix it. My advice to anyone married is to not have facebook unless you truly don’t want to be with your spouse anymore. I regret it tremendously and I regret not listening to the love of my life, my soulmate, when he asked me not to do it. I have broken us and I have to live with that for the rest of my life

    1. Mark

      Do you really think all of these issues are solely because of Facebook? I can’t get over the people on here blaming Facebook for all the problems in their relationships. Your husband was clearly insecure, and if he is divorcing you over that, he is not much of a man.

  16. Douglas

    I started a Facebook page about five years ago. Everything about it seemed to be fine between me and my wife until she stated she wanted to use it. Thus she would also need the password. I gave her the password but over the past three years or so, her Facebook activity has grown to be so much more than my own. She has added about 50 friends of her own. I’ve come to realize that she has co-opted my name “Douglas” and every comment, every like, every message she writes to her friends is identified as “Douglas,” while her friends are all using their own names, not their husbands’ names. She’s the only one using my name. My activity on this Facebook page has reduced to almost nothing as I have other endeavors. So she essentially has co-opted my Facebook page. Yesterday, I decided (with advice from several friends at work) to change the name from Douglas to Linda (her name). Oh I forgot to say that a week ago, one of her friends started a Facebook “message group” and they use the messaging constantly. It’s now over 400 messages in just a few days, and every message creates a “notification.” So I changed the name, but sure, I can hang around and sort of be the “manager” if she wants. But she had texted me today saying, “Change it back to Douglas”, so she is insisting on this sort of “identity theft” or “identity borrowing” and she wants to continue messaging, commenting, etc, as “Douglas” , as me. I don’t like it. You can’t change the name back for 60 days, and she doesn’t know that yet. I’m in a bunch of deep kimshi. Any advice???

    1. Mark

      You should have NEVER agreed to share your account with her. She should have gotten her own. It’s your own fault. Tell her to get her own.

      1. Rosa

        Close the account and then let Linda do her own thing on her own dime. There seems to be more to this weird ID thing that what it seems. Tell Linda you did not like what was going on. Some married people sometimes forget the whole point of being married, that your first priority is your spouse along with a duty to love, honor, respect, and be loyal. Don’t back down. We all do strange and sometimes destructive stuff. If our spouse complains about our bad behavior, they are not the bad guy.

  17. Anonymous

    How insecure do you have to be to let Facebook ruin your life? Maybe the Facebook user isn’t the problem, maybe you are.

    1. Rosa

      What a ridiculous statement. 1. No one “lets” Facebook do anything. 2. The Facebook user involved in inappropriate behavior is responsible for a concern, conversation, argument, breakup, divorce. 3. Many people are smart, not insecure if they don’t like their partner privately keeping company on Facebook with members of the opposite sex under the guise of “friendship”. 4. Many people have spouses with a limited moral compass, or someone going through a midlife crisis, for starters. They may be spending too much time with “friends” and not enough with their own partner. That is a disaster waiting to happen. I just had a conversation with my husband’s “friend” who gave me the same line about being insecure because I felt her postings were inappropriate. The woman does not even know my name, never met me and sure does not know my marriage history. Look, if you innocently share a friendly post with a man or woman and their spouse says “I don’t like that”, chances are the spouse may have very good reasons for their response.

  18. Andrew

    Facebook isn’t the main cheating issue anymore. It’s snapchat. Both my wife and I have always had each others Facebook passwords, so naturally you don’t do stuff you shouldn’t do. She installed snapchat because one of her friends told her it was the new way to go. For months I never suspected its use because i didnt understand that it clears history automatically. Then one day by accident I was next to her phone while she wasn’t there and I saw an alert for a snapchat from a guy I didn’t know. I probably shouldn’t have looked at it…. And actually wish I hadn’t because the content of the message indicated the two of them had an inappropriate relationship that had been going on for months. It destroyed me. Married for 10 years, together for 13, 2 kids and just by chance I see a message that would have cleared without me knowing.
    If your spouse uses snapchat a lot and is protective of their phone, things might not be all good any more.

  19. Danielle

    I’ve read many of these posts. I think Facebook especially is a menace. I got my boyfriend into it to talk with fans & give him something to do when traveling to kill time on the plane & at airports. Due to a stalker we removed all the fans & use it personally. We shared his as I didn’t want a Facebook account … so freakin invasive!

    Well, he has lots of ex lovers and many friend him (yes it kisses me off because he cheated on me with these people a long time ago) … what I hate most is no matter how open and honest he is with his account, it seems Facebook keeps changing the way its messenger works to HELP cheaters hide stuff.

    I noticed after the last app update there is a “secret conversation” ability so that if we both have access to his messenger, there still can be a “secret conversation” stated that only shows up in the device that starts it!!! WTF

    Facebook is making itself purposefully “deceptive” … why does ANYONE NEED TO HAVE SECRET CONVERSATIONS in Facebook 😡

    1. Mark

      It’s not Facebook’s fault. Blaming the technology just gives people a pass for poor behavior. People need to take responsibility for their actions and not blame a tool.

  20. Abigail

    I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive but I’m about ready to give up on my marriage. My husband cheated on me and I wanted to try to work things out. He has a password on the computer so I’m using my phone or kindle. If I do ,rarely, use the computer… he hovers over me until I’m finished. If he runs out to the store for 10 minutes he shuts it down. I’m not an idiot and realize he’s hiding something. I know quite a few of his friends know about his affair and he doesn’t seem to care if he further embarrasses me . On Facebook if one of his friends posts a crude photo he always has to make a comment ,as if its a turn on. I just feel like I look like the biggest fool on the planet. Maybe I am.

  21. Lady G

    My husband had a page and it was private and I kept asking him for a friend request and I asked him why is his page private. He is so defensive he would never give me a straight answer. He page was private but I could still see who his friends were and there she was his old high school girlfriend and he still lied about her. I left him for awhile and we got back together. One night I wanted some ice cream he went to the store to get it. His Facebook was up and I went to his messages. He had been conversing with another lady while he was out of work and I had to take on $1300 a month rent, lights, car payment food insurance etc. By myself with him cheating on Facebook all day!

  22. Jason L

    Hi Pat, I do not have FB anymore…my relationship suffered because of it. My wife however still has FB and because of the past issues with me and FB we decided to create a mutual one, very plain and simple. However she still retains hers and has her settings at the highest so whenever she changes profile pics I cannot see the likes or comments made by her friends.
    She says I am not in the place to start viewing because of my jealousy issues.
    Though she does tell me when men are inappropriate with messages or comments and she would block or delete them.
    She likes to change up her profile and background pic quite often and most pics of hers are gorgeous.
    I trust her but not the other men.
    Btw her personality is very nice and friendly which I would think some men on her FB take it the way that they could try to pick her up…makes me mad.

    1. Keri

      Jason,
      I too am very jealous and have trust issues which I feel, no, I know, stems from my cheating. I have always been pretty jealous which actually started from my ex who I cheated with. When we were younger (me in my teens and him in his early twenties) it was like a game to him trying to make me jealous. But I KNOW that because I know now what I am capable of, I expect the same lack of character from everyone else. Which I know is stupid. But I feel that being put in a position where an inappropriate opportunity could slither in should be avoided at all costs.
      Facebook is good at fooling us into not being as accountable as if we were in person. It’s like a drug that leads to wanting more contact and more intense fixes. At the same time, because we had a lack of judgment, we can’t assume our spouses will. But I GET it. It’s hard to not assume because we, or at least I know that I never in a million years ever believed I’d do anything as remotely close to what I did and Never would have guessed it would have been with who it was with. So in turn, we know ourselves and we are sickened by what we did. But if us, why not them? I get it. But our insecurities are from us. Not them. But I KNOW without a doubt the jealous ones are always the most guilty.

  23. kay

    Wow, I can’t even get onto my husband’s computer let alone his facebook account! He has so many passwords. I am not on Facebook as I don’t like it. I’m on my computer often but have no need or desire to keep anything from him. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and sometimes is just plain stupidity! Been married 17 years, I’m to the point I don’t care anymore! Great article BTW!

  24. Freeman

    My husband thinks that I am crazy for wanting him to delete certain women from his Facebook. We are in our late 40’s and only been married 2 years. These are women with whom I am not friends in real life not on Facebook. He lived a life of drug abuse for over half his life and has never been married until me. He has a subtle flirtatious nature that he honestly doesn’t realize most of the time. These women are not a part of his daily life other than Facebook. There are a couple that will hit like or love on anything he posts, no matter what. He could post a pile of dog poop and they are going to hit like. He has a tendency to hit like on individual pictures of them but not pictures that include their family or spouse if they have one. I have begged him to simply delete these people not because I don’t trust him but because I don’t trust them. There have been private message conversations as well with a few. Not anything dirty but to a point where I see easily an emotional connection could be established. He just says I am petty and childish, that hurts. It’s like these people mean more to him than i do. What do I do?

  25. Ann

    My husband is a serial cheater. I am trying still to this day to get past it all and move on. I just wanted to know I wasn’t crazy…

    It is not OK for your husband to have friends on FB that he cheated on you with, right? Or even slept with in the past? He thinks it is no big deal lol. Please give me any normal insight.

    Thanks!!

    1. Mark

      No it is not OK for him to continue a FB relationship with someone he cheated on with you during your relationship. However, I don’t agree it is wrong in all circumstances to have to cut off all communications with past relationships that happened prior to your relationship starting.

    2. Diana

      NO! It’s not ok! Why are you allowing your husband to treat you this way? I am sure you are a good person and you deserve better. Without trust, you will never be happy, and your husband doesn’t seem interested in staying faithful to you, letalone working to restore that trust. Don’t live like this. Life is too short.

  26. Jamie

    My marriage is on the verge of ending. It’s been rocky for the last 2 years or so and we’ve only been married for 5 years. Three weeks after getting married I found my husband sneaking and talking to a girl he went to high school with. He even went to see her. When I confronted him he made me out to be the bad guy. Said I’m so jealous he can’t be honest with me. I’ve discovered at least 3 more instances where things were going on behind my back. Every time he says nothing is going on and I’m the reason he doesn’t tell me things. We used to share a Facebook but recently separated them. Since then I found him talking to another girl. He’s now changed his password and put a lock on his phone. He took the lock off when I confronted him. I’ve asked to go back to sharing a Facebook and he says he’d rather just delete his account. If he’d share passwords with me or share an account I would be totally fine. What should I do? He always makes things out to be my insecurities and he just can’t live like this. He told me he’s leaving me at the beginning of the year. I just want his honesty!

    1. Ella

      Your Husband is not married anymore in his fantasies. He’s addicted.
      Get out now and find a real man who knows how to be faithful and make you his queen!,

  27. Keri

    I wish I’d found this six years ago. I had to have been going through some kind of female mid-life crisis. I really didn’t even know what hit me.
    I was physically and emotionally abused as a teenager by my fiancé. We were together for only 3 years, but our relationship changed my life forever. It took a lot of effort to break up and he stalked me for months until finally he moved on. SO WHAT IN THE WORLD made me respond to a Facebook Message 40 years later?! I am still trying to figure it out. And I’ve started to write a book about the journey. I almost lost my family over it. I feel that it has something to do with being a co-dependent and wanting to go back and fix things. We met twice. I also feel that maybe I wanted him to see what he missed. Not that I am some great catch but he showed up confessing that I was the one that got away and it felt good for a while. Stupid me.

  28. Keri

    Hi!
    It looks like it worked and I can contribute without my photo being out there for all to see.
    I had an ex find me forty years after we broke up. It was a bad break up and for a while he stalked me. So I am not sure why for the life of me, I answered his message to me on Facebook and why I continued to chat with him until we moved our messages to a private forum and then exchanged phone numbers and ended up a four year connection that we both couldn’t seem to end.
    I almost lost everything and for a while, I couldn’t imagine giving up the connection. My husband allowed it at first. He knew I had horrible memories of our relationship and felt that maybe getting closure would help our marriage where I could move on. Mistake #1 (Feeling that I was being honest with my husband) Mistake #2 was moving it past the messages and not just accepting his apology for past abuse and moving on.
    As soon as we heard each other’s voices we were in trouble. Slowly we talked about memories. He allowed me to remember the bad stuff and I felt very validated. And from there… it got very out of control. Sometimes I felt as if I was outside of myself watching a movie with me sneaking around. The first time we met, I felt like throwing up the whole way there. I never didn’t know what I was doing. But I never felt like it was an affair because we knew each other and he was my first everything. He wasn’t a stranger I was flirting with… I guess we kind of felt entitled. I am writing a book about the whole journey, the abuse, the phantom validation and finally coming to terms and telling my husband the truth and the longer journey letting go and restoring my marriage. I never have a day where I don’t think about him. Where as, before we reconnected, I thought about him but months in-between could go by before I’d think about him again. I have done this to me. And it will always haunt me. I am here to warn you. There is no such thing as closure when you open up that door on Facebook. Which should be called Pandora’s Box

  29. JimA

    Very interesting article because I am faced with this situation. All my passwords are at my wife’s finger tips but I have no clue to any of hers. She has a Facebook account and is always on there and getting messages on her phone, which I can not see. It is like she is living a separate and secret life in which I am not allowed in or part of. it goes on to other things as well. I had to go to Athens, Greece for work and asked her to come along because I thought she would like it. While I was working, she would go out and take pictures. When I got back to the hotel room, I asked to see the pictures and she shrugged me off. The next night I asked again and she shrugged me off. The third night I asked and she yelled “Here! Take them!!” and slammed the card from her camera down on the desk. Ouch! Call me old fashioned, by I thought when you get married, you share everything with each other. Either I am part of her life or I am not. Looks like I am not.

  30. Lee

    Its the women these days that spend too much time on their phones … not the men i did a bit of research online and its true … they seems to walk around streets glued to their phones rather being in the safest place in their bags tweeting / facebooking what they are doing every second … and whats worse of all having a Mobile Phone on the table at all times in a resturant waiting for notifications … even its worse at cinemas and concerts

    SIMPLE … Put the phone away and socialise in a decent manner .. if facebook is better than family then and kids and friends .. then you need a life …

    Years ago i never had a phone in school we all used our brains .. today its looking for answers on the phone …

    For once … be a real person.. use the phone for phone calls … leave the internet at home when you need it and communicate with people around you …

    1. Rosa

      Your analysis is incorrect. Some men and women are obsessed with their phones. However, many people use them when they need to reach out to someone, get directions, follow up, etc. If you based your opinion on research you did online, that is telling.

      1. cow

        There is nothing wrong with online research. Data and siren are there 24/7 for people that know how to wield it!

  31. Sam

    I found out my husband had a Facebook acct by accident, actually I found out 3 separate times. Each time he would apologize and supposedly delete it. This last time I found out that he had it for 7 years behind my back and was lying to me every single day. What made it worse is that he had his entire family on it and he had single on his profile, not one picture of us or me. He made inappropriate comments to a woman he went to high school with. It has devastated me. It has destroyed every bit of trust I had with him, broken my heart, humiliated me. I feel beyond betrayed. I don’t know why? He hasn’t been upfront about any of it and the only answers I get are “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” or continuing to deny certain things. I’m giving him a chance by starting counseling but I just don’t know. I have had no secrets from him. Everything I have is open to him. I would never risk our marriage or hurting him so it’s extremely hard to understand why or how he could.

  32. Conflicted Husband

    Saw a message pop up on my wife’s facebook while we were driving from an old ex-boyfriend who she dated for about a year, two years before we married (we are on year 11 now with two kids). She has drunkenly talked about him in the past so I knew his name and that they had a good relationship marred by his depression.

    I looked at the message and didn’t say anything, but later looked at the message log . Yikes! He reached out three years ago when divorcing and commented about our new house, how much he missed her, and then proceeded to disrespect me by calling me a “bear” and a “manchild” (even though we’ve never met, however, I’m a strong 6’4” but also highly educated with a professional career.) He also talked about how she should have a c-section since I was so big and our kid would tear her apart (WHAT!!!) Her comment was “Ha, Ha, my husband and family are great!” The rest of her messaging is just newsy.

    Should I confront her? Nothing she said was bad, but I can’t believe what he wrote and that it didn’t anger her. He’s a state away, but I’ve actually considered confronting him. Should I let it go or get mad?

    1. Mark

      Sounds like she is handling it fine, but keep an eye on it.

    2. Ehis

      She was angry but didn’t want to get in a fight, hence the “HA, Ha……”
      Keep an eye on it cause the guy can clearly see what you have made out of her and wants in.
      She handled it well but you might want her to cut all links! Her unwillingness to get into a fight with him can be advantageous to him in the long run.

  33. Jane

    I took the agonising step of separating from my Husband

  34. EJ

    My wife spends copious amounts of time on Facebook when she is at home. When I mention it to her that she is on her phone too much and that things on Facebook do not change that much, she gets extremely irate about it and fires back at me that she doesn’t get to sit on the computer or phone all day long (I work with computers on a daily basis with an IT degree). She is on her phone all day long as well and then comes home and gets on her phone. There have been several times where she has closed out something really fast when I walked into the room or sat down in my chair beside her. I know my wife’s Facebook password and she knows mine because of transparency, but it is just funny how she is secretive with Facebook at times. She has friended singles guys that she has went to school with and there is one that she talks to from time to time that I can tell that he is trying to flirt with her through the messages.

    1. t.j

      Your wife sounds just like me in many ways. I can’t say for sure what’s going on with HER, but I can maybe give perspective on what’s going on with me. I’m not doing anything wrong or seedy on facebook, or my phone. My husband also would complain constantly, although I don’t know HOW he’d know I was on my phone all day when he’s at work? Anyway, I only have so much housework and chores to do, and since we didn’t have a television, and with the kids off at school, frankly, I’d get bored. He didn’t want me to get a job, so that was out of the question. Basically, I’d get a bit private (secretive) because it just doesn’t feel safe to be open with him. He’d take whatever I said or did and twist it around and use it against me anytime we’d have an argument about ANYTHING. This has caused him to accuse me of having an affair on more then one occasion over the years. He’s a computer guy, and so he’s very smart, and knows how to manipulate and twist words, and circumstances to his advantage. Like I said, I can’t speak for your wife, but in my case, I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s just safer in general to follow the rule of the less said and known, the better. Be honest with yourself: Is there ANY way at all you could be just a bit controlling and manipulative? Do you view arguments as wars to be won at all cost? My husband does, and he is more then willing to play as dirty as it gets to win one. So yes, the less I tell him, the better.

      1. joe

        lol good post.. me nor my wife use fakebook.. Thank God!

      2. Michele

        Tj, it sounds like you’re married to a Scorpio.

      3. Kris

        I’m sorry t.j, but “WRONG” starts way before full penetration. Most people don’t set out to have affairs, it starts out small (like “innocent” flirting on facebook or in person with the guy at work). Little by little you inch out into the water until you’re in over your head and far away from the shore. I’ve seen this happen to two different women in my lifetime. Both destroyed their marriages and their families lives. It isn’t about the husband being controlling as you state. One of the responsibilities of a husband is to protect his wife. Especially, if she is so naïve about the dirtbag men out there just looking to score.

  35. Mark

    I’ve been married over a yr.now to make this short my wife is a Facebook addict. She’s on fb at work and at home, she thinks the more “friends” she has the better she will add anyone.she acts like a 42 yr old teenager, she will not share any passwords and she has went as far as hiding her friends list. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is that when she is on Facebook she will not take my phone calls or texts. When she is at work she used to call on her breaks but now she will call just to tell me she doesn’t get a break and will call me later then be on Facebook for the next half hour or so.when I ask her about it she denies being online and when I point out her posts and show her it was done after she told me there were no breaks she gets mad and tells me to stop stalking her.

    1. J

      That is definitely a concern. If there is nothing to hide, then what is the problem. When people hide something and I am not trying to start anything, there is usually a reason for that.

      1. Catharina

        You haven’t thought about that it might be OTHER PEOPLE’S private life that you want to protect with your password? For instance, if my best friend (a woman, if it matters) is very unhappy and cannot sleep one night, and I stay up and text her and try to comfort her, and she tells me horrible things about sexual abuse in her childhood for instance, that she has never told anyone else. Do you mean that I have to let my husband read this conversation, if he asks for it?

        And there MIGHT also be things that I want to discuss with my old girl friends, things from our childhood and youth, that I do not feel ready to tell my husband about yet. There can be many reasons why you “have something to hide”, that have nothing to do with trying to find another man to have sex with… If my husband would demand my passwords from me, that would mean that our marriage would be over.

    2. Ehis

      Thats a problem! I leave my facebook open a lot, have my wife posted and she can pick up my phone at anytime to see whats going on there.
      It fosters trust and keeps me in check should an idle time try to stretch my imaginations!
      you get the point?

  36. Julie

    If you are married, you should not have opposite-sex friendships. If you are having any social contact with a person of the opposite sex, it should only be as part of a larger gathering, e.g., couples, families, neighbors, co-workers, etc. You should not be chatting with them on FB, having coffee or lunch together, etc.

    1. Dev N. Tiwari

      Hey guys, is it too much to expect a wife who doesnt use any social media in this hyper-social-connected world.. I dont use facebook, whatsapp, twitter or anything.. and i expect the same from my other-half-to-be… Is it too much? Please be honest. I am often very worried seeing the women all around me glued to their cell phones typing like a machine.

      1. Mark

        You can certainly endeavor to find a partner who thinks and feels similarly to you. There are definitely people who agree with you.

      2. Brandy

        Absolutely it is NOT too much to ask. You guys are married now and these are changes that should just be considered without having to ask. The new state of mind is that all the bad things are good. Oh your spouse deserves privacy, oh it’s great to have friends they’re SO important, oh everyone deserves to have friends ofopposite sex if you don’t like it it’s your problem you’re insecure. I’m so SICK of that mindset and no wonder people don’t value marriage or even family half the time because their friends take priority. I say grow up it’s not all about the social life once you get married settle with your family and if you have friends be open and honest and share. All this mine is mine yours is ours promotes selfishness and we all know that’s bad for any situation let alone marriage. I agree with you I wasn’t into any social media but my husband had it a couple times after lying to me saying he didn’t. Wanna know the truth? We’re ALL alittle insecure but that’s not the issue. The issue is when we feel insecure the answer we get is usually something that will only reinforce our fears. I asked my husband to not be so shady with his phone. He always leaves to answer it and makes sure the screen is where I can’t see it even if we’re in the same room. We argued over this girl who’s like twelve yrs younger then him very innapropriate messages were found and he still tried to deny it. Instead of being open however he then smashed his phone in a rage and blamed me for it. Lemme tell you something even with EVIDENCE people will lie lie lie. So I’m with you I asked him no more social media can we not do that he just lies and hides it. Why can’t people actually consider the feelings of their wife/husband more then the stupid friends? By the way this friend was no friend at all since she didn’t respect our marriage and he disrespect me too by lying and then acting like I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. There’s no perfect answer but I tell you you are not wrong in feeling the way you do. I feel the same way. I’m kind of old school for thirty. I am not with the baggage of SECRET opposite sex friends and the potential bs it can cause. IN FACT I’ve learned that friends aren’t even real half the time so why people prioritize them boggles my damn mind.

    2. Mark

      You are just wrong. If you’re significant other, or you for that matter, is flat-out not allowed to have any kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, then there are much deeper problems in your relationship, and in your own mind. If you need to control your partner that much, and restrict their access to anyone, then you you should not be in a relationship. Because it is not healthy.

      1. csaaphill

        No! you’re in the wrong, just this very attitude that thinks it’s ok to chat flirt with whoever you like that is why so many can’t stay married.
        You actually have no clue about human nature and what doors this kind of thing opens. Or if you did you would have never said such a thing.
        It’s not only spiritually dysfunctional what you said even in most secular courts it doesn’t work.
        As with what has been said on other sites it opens up an emotional relationship that can and does open up to an affair.
        My guess is you’re 20 something and have lots of women friends but I also wager if you’re in a relationship I’d ask her if it bothers her, Plus I’d wager if she had lots of male friends you’d be a bit irked as well. If you say no You’re a liar. Seriously men and women while in a relationship need to stay the heck away from each other as much as possible, unless of course you have no true love for her/ him and are just being a selfish person thinking you can do whatever you want and not jeopardize it.

      2. Lee

        You are so right csaaphill. My wife of twelve years stays on Facebook. She is the kind of person that feels like she has to stay in contact with every person she has ever known, and she does. I’ve seen comments on her facebook that she has left open a few times talking to old guy friends leaving her cell phone number on there for them to contact her. I asked her about it one time and she just says…were just old friends. Most of the time I just forgot about it like an idiot. One time I saw that she has posted an old guy friend she new for one of her girlfriends stating she had run into him and then ending up stopping at his house to look at old pictures from the past of all of them together. Well, about a month ago she says she so depressed she wants to leave. She hasn’t been back since, but calls or text me everyday. Facebook is not a good thing unless you have it posted as a family type deal. Having a page that is separate for your own if your married causes problems.

      3. CauseA

        You are so right and have a lot of wisdom. Never let someone take your wisdom from you. Selfish is the truth- too many are worried about their own mission than protecting their sacred union. Stand for what you know and believe in. It’s sad that 2 people get paired together and one of them gets a partner that will look ahead for the sake of their marriage while the other just goes and does whatever they “feel” like doing in the moment. I have your same views, I trust my husband but don’t trust other women – I don’t care who you are if you are in the right situation at the right time anything can happen. I have watched some of the best marriages fall apart because of social media. I have had family members cheat on their spouse that “would have never cheated-ever” do it because their were no boundaries. No marriage is perfect and every person is in a funk from time to time – you know unhappy because that’s what marriage is not perfect 100% of the time BUT grow up and work through it for the one you say you “love”. So sad how many women Feel they are not safe in their marriages and have to put up with liars and cheaters. My unsolicited advice is to let that ship sail. You deserve a man who will make you feel safe and not like you have to look over your shoulders all the time. It’s sad how the one who cares so much is the one whose views get twisted like your the one with issue. So twisted.

      4. Anna

        The issue of whether it’s ok for married couples to have opposite sex friends is controversial. Those who are against having opposite sex friends foolishly believe that banning opposite sex friends will protect their marriage. What happens if your spouse is secretly homosexual? They could easily have an affair with one of their same-sex friends. What are you going to do? Ban ALL friendships? What happens if your spouse works with someone they are at their job? Are you going to ban them from going to work? Are you going to ban them from speaking to certain people? I had a roommate that banned her boyfriend from having opposite sex relationships. Guess what he did? He cheated on her.

        Remember, it takes two people to have a relationship. A woman can flirt all she wants with your husband, for example, but if your husband resists her advances, then an affair cannot occur. The question you need to ask yourself is: do you trust your spouse? If you feel like they need constant babysitting in order to avoid temptation, then you may want to reevaluate your marriage; it doesn’t sound like you have a good spouse at all.

  37. Burke Ingraffia

    My marriage was annulled. I will say that her interest in social media often outweighed her interest in the marriage.

    We should all have days when we get away from our smart phones completely and party like it’s 1999.

    1. Sam

      My wife’s addiction to chatting is now out of control. Her picture with her luxury car created a flood of friend’s request from her homeland. She began to accept many. She is 66 tears old. While I go to bed at 9 PM, though I tell here to come to bed, she will tell an excuse that she has to watch the news starts at 11 PM. Never doubted her that she was chatting with somebody, but I caught her chatting with somebody after 11. What she was chatting? She doesn’t want to talk with me much, but loves chatting and they want to talk with her through phone which she is declining. I am afraid that her regular chat with somebody will be breaking the marriage of somebody at the other side of the globe. Facebook has been turned as a ruining influence now. Can we see anybody in a doctor’s office and airport looking to the person sitting close to them? No, everybody is at the smart phone. Marriage problems and divorces will be increasing rapidly around the world.

  38. D J

    I have a husband who’s been married three times before me. He is friends with every woman except the one he had a child with. I have expressed feelings of discontent and I’m not the same way on FB. I stay away from that door.
    He unfriended her for some time then refriended her after dust settled again. It is disrespectful and makes me think he’s looking for something else but hasn’t told me yet. To say the least I hate him for it and shw certainly did better after him so she improved her circumstances but that is neither here nor there. So I’m not sure why they continue to banter back and forth. Other than they are both disgusting and disrespectful. That’s my summation.

    1. Mark

      Sounds like you have plenty of other issues. If you told him it made you uncomfortable with him being friends with her on FB and he is not adhering to that, then you have grounds to be upset. But your words belie someone generally not happy. You hate him for this? And his ex traded up from him? Gee, I’m sure that’s great for his ego. Marriages are a two-way street.

  39. Lara

    Lets just say…Today is my husbands bday and we have been together for 8 years in which he has never mentioned me on it and the one time he did after years of asking he erased it cuz of an argument… Today it hit me hard knowing that he knows it bothers me and that on his Bday I cant post a wishful bday but I have him a cake and food made and a gift… he doesnt get it and i hate how it makes me feel…So as a present I got papers to file…Enough is Enough

    1. csaaphill

      Really???? You can’t divorce over Facebook likes and dislikes if the secular law allows you this they are full of…. shaving cream.
      I was him I wouldn’t sign and fight this.
      You can only divorce over him cheating or physical or some emotional abuse not for not mentioning you on Facebook OMFG! what people freak on now PFFT!

      1. R

        You’re silly and immature. Social media is a real thing with real people and there’s no reason for her HUSBAND to be hiding her. He has other issues and insecurities that are being displayed through his actions of her not even being able to comment? It’s not ‘just’ social media- it’s real relationships. Some should reflect, learn or inquire further before judging. Don’t like your reply.

  40. AnonymousX

    Facebook is causing issues with my marriage due to their algorithms and ways they show posts. Neither my wife nor I flirt with people on facebook, but I do go on facebook for about 5 minutes at a time, quickly scroll through posts, make one or two comments, like a few things. One issue: none of the posts that show in my news feed are from my wife. Her posts simply don’t show up unless she tags me. I know find out that she feels like I’m ignoring her and paying attention to other less important people by liking/commenting on their posts. I’ve used the settings to switch her profile to “view first” and still nothing! Going forward I have to remind myself to actively click on her profile before scrolling through my news feed. I looked it up and it seems like facebook is doing this to a lot of spouses (i.e. not showing their posts).

  41. R S

    HI,
    So, the other day I guess my husband that I have been madly in love with and married to for 20 years shows me some pix on his ever so private facebook acct. OMG
    i guess he forgot to uncheck the box that says “WIDOWED” I don’t have the “right” to see all his friends as he says, and he was apparently mad when he posted that. yeah right. Why not put on the 3 other accounts?? he thinks i don’t know he has. I cant bounce from this. I know deep in my guy what that says in every unspoken word.
    Him: Ya, I have 2 kids I raise alone as my wife of 20 years died, oh you poor thing.
    too make it worse our son had cancer at age 4, I have devoted my life to my family and the recovery of our son. He has the nerve? Anyone know a really really good attorney???
    Woman Scorned is a understatement.

  42. David

    WOW, there are a lot of insecure people commenting here. If Facebook is causing a problem in your relationship, then there is already something wrong in your relationship.

    1. Ashish

      David, people like you should be sent to Mars

    2. Julian

      I agree David completely very insecure, those that say different are in denial

  43. Marissa

    Husbands or wives who think it’s ok to spend hours talking to to “friends” on Facebook instead
    Of talking to their partners Are heading for disaster
    My husband told some one know I love you
    It broke my heart and trust does not exist
    There have been several issues with past ex s it’s ok for him to talk about his conquests but if I bring them up he says it’s the past and none of my buisness
    One of his ex’s he said he slept with her once in our house whilst she was staying here but knew the first night that it would not work so tried to get her out despite that he took her away 5 months later and had sex
    Another woman he only had sex with once alledgely a philipino tramp her sister wanted him to marry

    Yet slept in the same bed for ten nights with her went back 3 months later and said nothing happened
    He has had so many ex’s most of which I found out about after we married
    He’s on face book messenger for hours do I trust him no
    I love him but all my self respect has gone
    He’s hurt me

  44. Jivansutra

    Whoever invented Facebook should be imprisoned for causing hurt and devastation in numerous marriages. My wife is addicted to Facebook and has a few male friends whom she keeps in contact with.

  45. GIRL

    I didn’t read all comments but i read few. i am totally agreed with this Facebook crap. my husband and i got married its been four years. i have been getting multiple emails on facebook regarding his character what should i do please someone assist me. my husband says i should delete the account or shouldn’t put pics. is there anyway i do something about this ?

  46. straightshooter

    We are now married for 45 years. My wife always like to talk with men in front of me, also hugging some people, and it never bothered me. She started FB before I did, but had only very few friends. When I started FB, through my posting on different subjects, I got a lot of friends. My wife’s old college friend she met, he became her FB friend, and his FB friends began to request friendship by the hundreds/week. Now she has more friends, 99% men, she selects certain people. Her addiction with the chatting is now out of control, she is browsing through her phone and chatting-sending wishes-thanking for the wishes etc are causing me greater concern. She will talk only the problems of the home-money issues and past issues with me, or criticizing everything I did or doing. But, after chatting with others, she is feeling very relaxed. I don’t know, at this old age, how to handle this crisis.

  47. A. S. Mathew

    This is now turning as an international crisis. Why we need to chat with the opposite sex in a far off land? That is an indirect internet affair, which will gradually destroy the married life. Many honest talk with the opposite sex when continued repeatedly, that will lead some romantic tone in course of time, which will crack the solid relationship of the married life. In the olden times, in the air port-doctor’s office-restaurant etc, people used to smile each other and try to chat, now everybody is glued to their smart phone and flipping back and forth. Mere waste of time and it is indeed a devil’s tool to destroy marriages.

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